Ep 37. Inner Child Wounds & Re-Parenting

Dive into the profound concept of inner child wounds and their far-reaching effects on our business dealings, relationships, and overall personal well-being.

We take a detailed look at the four types of inner child wounds—beginning with abandonment—and uncover how these unresolved traumas stealthily manifest in adulthood. 

You'll hear real-life stories of individuals grappling with these wounds, whether it's through the lens of seeking external validation or struggling with self-soothing, and learn to identify the signs of an unhealed inner child.

I share my personal journey of healing from childhood trauma, shaped by having an often-absent father, which led me to overwork and misconstrue love and success. We discuss the transformative power of reparenting, offering practical steps.

Chapters

• 0:10 Inner Child Wounds and Healing
• 14:06 Healing Childhood Trauma and Patterns
• 22:24 Reparenting Through Inner Child Healing

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:10

Welcome to the Calm CEO podcast. I'm your host, amanda, a spinal energetics practitioner, business energetics coach, energy healer, fitness coach and, most importantly, a dog mom. That's right, my furry friend is always here for the good vibes. But today it's all about helping industry leading entrepreneurs just like you unlock the secrets to healing your nervous system and paving the way for more profit and peace and business, life, relationships and health. This podcast is your safe space where we're going to go beyond the basic business strategy and personal development. We're here to cut out the BS and create a life and business that you fucking love. Expect raw, unfiltered conversations and leave each episode with a toolbox full of tips, insights and a tribe of like-minded souls. Go ahead and hit that subscribe button and with that, let's dive into today's episode. What's up world? Okay, so today's topic is a big one Inner child wounds, inner child healing. It's been a very talked about topic, especially in nowadays culture, and I wanted to take this as an opportunity on an episode to discuss it, go deep with it, talk about what are the inner child wounds, the four types of inner child wounds, how to know the signs that you have an unhealed inner child, and some pillars as far as how to reparent yourself and a little exercise at the end when it comes to this work. So, what's up? Everybody, kocho, coming in hot. I don't know why I do that a lot on these episodes, but we're just going to go with it. Okay, because it sounds fun and it gets me pumped up and I think this is going to be a good topic because it's probably the number one reason why we feel stuck as adults, why we have unwanted patterns in relationships. Right, if you follow Dr Nicole LaPera with the Holistic Psychologist, her work, her content, all of it is just so good and juicy. Definitely go check her out. It's a dream to have her on the podcast someday and, who knows, I'm not limiting myself there, but she talks a lot about how our relationships and how we show up in our relationships, especially with our loved ones, our spouses, um, our signs of unhealed child wounds Okay, but also I have discovered it in business, right, you've? You've been listening to my podcast for a while.

Speaker 1: 2:55

You know that a lot of the triggers and emotions and dysregulated nervous system all came from an uh, inner child wounds. So it's a heavy topic. I mean there's, it's everything, even like your money wounds, your relationship with money, your relationship with friends, your relationship with I don't know your dog. Okay, maybe not your dog, because everybody loves your dog, right, but you know what I mean.

Speaker 1: 3:21

So inner child wounds is a big topic and so the unresolved childhood trauma that is carried into adulthood and then manifests into trauma cycles is the definition of an inner child wound. Okay, it's where needs were unmet, it's where we felt unsafe as a child and this is going to correlate as trauma. Okay, trauma is where those needs were unmet. It's not the significant sexual abuse or you know, not to minimize that in any way, but trauma could be from needs not being met or just feeling unsafe. So a lot of limiting beliefs are actually formed before the age of eight, believe it or not.

Speaker 1: 4:11

Okay, so we all have an inner child and trauma affects that little child within us. And a healed inner child is going to feel safe emotionally and mentally. Okay, they know how to meet their own needs and you can go inside to meet your own needs, um, instead of outside. This is how you know you have a healed inner child. Now, an unhealed inner child is going to be looking for external validation. You're not going to be able to self soothe, meet your own needs.

Speaker 1: 4:49

When we have experiences in childhood that caused wounding, that made us feel unsafe, or had situation where our needs were not met, okay, it's um, if, if, if, left unhealed, it's going to set the foundation to basically all relationships. Okay. So, the four types of healing wounds we're going to dive into this next. So we have number one. Excuse me, excuse, the clearing um is abandonment. Okay, if you were abandoned as a child, you may fear being alone or left out. Okay, a lot of abandonment wounds, from what I've seen and witnessed and experienced myself, could come from adoption. It could come from having, like, an alcoholic mother or father. It could come from having too many kids in the family or parents worked too much. Okay, you um this could also come from other peers, not just your parents. Okay, so, like with friends in school, you were left out of the popular group or kicked out of the a friend group. Okay, so abandonment is a huge, big wound that I have seen, uh, carry over into adulthood in so many different, um, different ways, but especially in relationships, right, like in friend groups, fearing letting go of certain friends that you know are toxic for you, out of fear of being abandoned or being left alone, okay. Or when it comes to your loved ones. Or when it comes to your loved ones, when you are so afraid of them cheating, perhaps it could stem from a fear of abandonment and being alone. Okay, same with money. Or have you had money that suddenly disappeared as a young kid? Your parents went through a divorce, filed a bankruptcy and now you have an abandonment wound with money, or that's how it shows up for you in your business okay, so super important to become aware of that. If that is a pattern that you're noticing in today's world, okay.

Speaker 1: 7:24

The second type of inner child wound is trust. Okay, if the adults in your life didn't protect you from danger growing up, then you may feel insecure or afraid of getting hurt. Okay, so this could look like broken promises from parents, abusive parents right, it's hard to believe in the sincerity of others today, okay. So trust this is a huge inner child wound, and I know a lot of people who struggle with trusting their spouses because they've had their trust broken many times in the past, or even just one time. All it takes is one time and so, yeah, lacking that trust and a lot of these, you know abandonment and trust is, and actually what the? It's the frequency and the vibration of how we're feeling deep within. So, deep within, you're abandoning yourself in some way or not trusting yourself in some way. Okay, so the triggers in today's world, um, or if things are bothering you, then it's a sign of something unhealed, because a part of you believes that it's to some context. Okay. So if something has been weighing on you to go inward, I invite you to go inward to really look at these and I know this is really hard, but I promise you there's so much light on the other side of this. There's a reason why those situations have been presented to you, why those patterns of you know maybe being cheated on, or maybe having lack of money in business or inconsistency in business, and or not attracting the right teammates or loved ones in your life or friends. It's because of these wounds or frequencies that you're holding on to. Okay. So, abandonment, trust two big ones.

Speaker 1: 9:28

The third one is guilt. Okay, if you are made to feel guilty, as a child, you may not like to ask for favors or set boundaries. This was a big one for me, okay, especially when we lost everything to a wildfire. We needed help, and boy did I have to learn how to ask for help without feeling guilty about it. Um, but, yeah, being blamed for conflicts and family. Older kids are more prone to this um, not saying every kid is, but that typically is the case. There's that responsibility. Being the oldest kid, okay. Putting others needs before your own doesn't feel good enough. I know that's a big one for moms out there who struggle to put themselves first. They feel guilty if they do something for themselves. Okay, that wound could be coming from a childhood wound where you were possibly made to feel guilty as a child. If you don't do X, y and Z, then you are a bad kid. Okay, so lean into that if this is resonating with you as an opportunity to heal it. Okay, as an opportunity to heal it okay.

Speaker 1: 10:49

Neglect is the fourth type of wound I want to discuss and that's if you were neglected, okay. This can lead to low self-esteem, repressed emotions and difficulty saying no. Hello, people pleasers, okay. Okay, parents prioritize their own needs over their kids, okay. Um, obviously I'm not saying that a parent shouldn't give themselves that self-love and self-care like I was just talking about, like where you feel guilty, but where they do it so much where they forget about their children's needs. Okay, that's why, um, this, this is, this is a neglect is a big one. Okay, they, the parents, really provide the attention and the nurture that the child needs, even if they think they're doing everything they can. Some, a lot of parents don't realize that they're not, um, that they're doing this Okay, and it's going to create a lot of low self-esteem. Uh, you can struggle with the self-care. You can struggle with regulating your emotions, okay, um, that feeling of abandonment. So neglect is another type of deep inner child wound.

Speaker 1: 12:06

So how do we know the signs? How do we know we have an inner child wound? So there's a few right, okay, people pleasing behavior, such as trouble, saying no, all right, difficulty, setting and enforcing boundaries. Maybe you're feeling guilty for standing up for yourself, okay, avoiding conflict at every chance possible. Maybe you were around a lot of conflict growing up and anytime you spoke up for yourself, you were punished severely for it. Okay, fear of abandonment or letting go. Maybe feeling inadequate or unworthy, constant criticisms you know you have the strong inner critic, a lot of self-sabotaging behaviors. Um, just feeling not good enough, right, or you don't matter, you're afraid to ask for help, or you're fearing, um, you fear you're being a burden, okay, that that's big. If you had a narcissist parent in your family, um. So, yeah, these are all signs. I mean there's so many different signs out there, but more than likely, any trigger anything that creates a reaction in your emotions or how you feel. If you feel like tense and sweaty when it comes to facing a conversation, it could be stemmed most likely from a conversation when you were a child that made you feel that way, and it's really important to know this, these, these signs, because we have to get to the root. Okay, this is why a lot of people end up getting stuck, despite trying everything is because they're probably not getting to the root, to where that first started.

Speaker 1: 14:06

One of the biggest things that I learned when I was healing my sexual trauma was that I needed, I couldn't, I couldn't go to the more recent traumas. I had to go to the very first one and where it originated, because that's going to have a ripple effect on all the other stories. Right, when I create, um, a new story around that wound, then then it creates new stories. For the rest, it really does have a ripple effect. So, yeah, getting to the root of where these are coming from now. It's really common um just to share really quickly. When I'm doing a session on clients, I will pick up on um if it is an inner child wound or not. Sometimes I literally will get an image of them as a child what they're wearing, what they're doing, what age they are, what is happening, what the trauma is. And so when I'm healing somebody, a lot of times that's what we're working on we're shifting those patterns within so that they can um release any of those tension patterns being stored within the body. That's creating these, uh, current signs in their reality. Okay, so, knowing your signs is so, so, so important.

Speaker 1: 15:29

Um, you know, just to share a story, so, um, growing up, my dad. He's a doctor and he had 10 kids. I don't know how my mom did it. I love you, mom. I don't know if you actually listened to this or not, but my dad used to work crazy hours to support the family, and so he would be gone sunrise to sunset. Sometimes I wouldn't ever even see him. He would work a sunrise to sunset. Sometimes I wouldn't ever even see him. He would work a lot of holidays. He just was never home. It was just the kids and my mom was raising us, and it was.

Speaker 1: 16:07

You know, it was still a good childhood, but because of my dad's absence, it actually created this ego story for me that, uh, the more I worked, the more money I would make, because I noticed, with him being gone more and more, we actually started making more and more money, right, um, instead of realizing that, no, he was out of medical school. You know, I, but I just created this story right. Or, the more I worked, um, the the more successful I was, the more I would be loved. Okay, that was another ego story I created because, as my dad became a doctor, so I was born while he was still in college and university for it and med school, and then by the time I was I think it was like eight or 10, he became very successful in our local town and everybody loved him, and so everybody would talk about Dr O'Mara, right? And so I felt like, oh well, if I, the only way I can get my dad's attention or feel loved is if I'm successful, I create a name for myself or create this identity about myself, Right? So that is just a sign, right?

Speaker 1: 17:27

So what ended up happening in my adulthood years was I started working in restaurants and I I would be the one that would come in early, like an hour or two early, to get stuff done, and then I would always ask to close the shift. I was waiting tables bartending, and I would do that like five nights a week, sometimes six or seven nights a week, depending on the week. Like I worked my butt off and I thought that that was what I needed to do to feel loved, and I loved making money too, which was nothing wrong with that. But I you know it's very dysregulated. Because of that, I wasn't taking care of myself because of that. So that carried over into my twenties when I was working in the restaurants, and then I carried over into starting my first business, where I and I still sometimes do. It's something I'm still working on. But, oh my gosh, I've healed so much from this.

Speaker 1: 18:29

But when I started my first business I kid you not like I would think about work 24 7. I could never turn my freaking brain off. I would dream about work. I'd be thinking about my clients all the time. I would be so afraid of if I wasn't working, then I'd be missing out on something, and that when I would take a vacation, it felt guilty, because I felt like I should be working and I would work sun up to sun down, just like my dad did. And I just worked and worked and worked.

Speaker 1: 19:00

And, yes, I did become successful, because that was my belief, that's what I believed in. And yet that wasn't in total alignment with me deep down, because I was like, well, how come there's like people over here playing golf all the time and they're multi-billionaires, right? And so I had to start going down that rabbit hole to begin to shift that story, because I was like I don't want to work this hard for the rest of my life. I want to enjoy a life. The whole reason I started my business was to build it around my life and not my life around my business. And that's exactly what I was doing. And so I had to go back into that little girl in me at a very, very young age and give her what she needed and change the story of my dad.

Speaker 1: 19:54

And this is how you do a lot of inner child work you change the story. So, for example, instead of being the victim to, yeah, my dad worked a lot and it was never home, what if you started to change the story? Because your body doesn't know the difference between your thoughts and what's real and not real. Right, you change the story to, um, your dad coming a lot, like in what you're doing, like literally visualizing yourself spending time with your dad, playing with your dad, going on vacations in which we did all of those things. But, but I was so attached to that old story of what happened to me versus you know, focusing more on, like, the bad parts of my childhood versus the good parts of my childhood. Does that make sense? So maybe you do have other good stories? So, instead of creating a new story, you could focus on the other good sides of it. So this's, this is how you get out of that victim mentality and take responsibility and control of your emotions and unwanted patterns. Today is by what you focus on. Okay, what story you want to create instead?

Speaker 1: 21:14

So I do want to quickly share that admitting we have childhood trauma does not mean your parents were awful, Okay, I just want to share that really quick. Um, cause, like with my dad, my dad was working and he thought that's what was important to help his family and, yes, it definitely supported us, but he didn't realize what we needed more was him to be around more, okay. So admitting we have childhood trauma does not mean our caregivers were awful, okay, or not saying we were abused, unless, of course, that happened, okay. A lot of people have shame around trauma. We think if we admit we have childhood trauma, that it means they are throwing their parents under the bus, and this causes people to continue to avoid and minimize their experiences and if we do this, we cannot heal. So really important to understand that. Understand that your parents have trauma too, and it was handed down from their parents and their parents and their parents. But you are breaking the cycle.

Speaker 1: 22:24

Being being here right now and taking the actions to heal your inner child, listening to this podcast episode is helping you begin to break those cycles and doing the freaking healing work, right, so just wanted to put that out there. So, yeah, inner child healing is all about, uh, reparenting yourself. That's what it really is. So, really giving yourself what you didn't get, okay, learning how to create safety emotional, physical and mental safety, looking or learning how to look inside for everything that you need instead of on the outside for yourself. I know about you, but I used to always ask for other people's opinions, like, well, what do you think of this and well, I don't know, what do you think of this? And well, I don't know, what do you think of that? Like you know, looking for people to tell us that we're beautiful instead of telling ourselves that we're beautiful. Like seeking love outside of us when we need to find that first within us, seeking belonging instead of abandonment, you know, instead of abandoning ourselves. So, giving yourself what you needed that you didn't get.

Speaker 1: 23:43

So that could look like visualizing, doing a meditation of an inner child within you, whatever age comes up for you. You might even have like a prominent memory when you do this, where you can think of exactly, maybe, what was going on and begin to tap into that and then hold her hands, the adult version of you holding her hands, giving her a hug, or you know, this could look different for anybody Maybe you're just sitting there, maybe she's on your lap, or maybe you're holding her uh, yourself in your arms as a baby and cradling her. Okay, so, seeing that inner child and then beginning to reparent her and you being the parent for her, giving her the love and attention that she never needed, teaching her how to emotionally regulate, creating that safety, creating the words. What words? What does she need to hear from you in order for her to feel seen, heard, understood, loved and belonged and cared for? So that is what inner child healing is all about. It's about reparenting you, okay.

Speaker 1: 25:01

So there are four pillars as well to reparenting. So the first one is about loving discipline. So, as children, many of us were not taught the simple, helpful, healthy habits and rituals, okay, and so when we can begin to cultivate loving discipline by doing things like keeping small promises to ourselves, having a daily routine, saying no more often, setting boundaries, giving yourself alone time, really communicating and stating our needs, especially with our spouses, this is how we cultivate loving discipline. This is how we cultivate that first pillar of reparenting, okay, loving discipline. The second pillar I want to share is self-care and, by the way, I really wish I cannot remember where I found these four pillars. I think it was in a book. I wrote this years ago and I pulled up these notes. So please know that don't quote me on all of this, but these four pillars are from a resource that I cannot remember Anonymous. Okay, all right.

Speaker 1: 26:27

So number two pillar is self-care. Self-care, um, again, as children, many of us were not taught the value of sleep, movement, exercise, resting, nutrients, connection to nature. We can cultivate that, though, through self-care, by going to bed earlier, eating at home, doing maybe five minute meditations, or moving your body for five minutes, getting outside, going for a walk, journaling, nature, sun, connection with others out there okay. Spending time with friends, going out to eat, doing some fun things, laughing okay. So self-care is a huge pillar to reparenting yourself, doing the things that maybe you weren't able to do as a child. Do those now.

Speaker 1: 27:25

How do you need to learn how to emotionally regulate? Okay, actually, that's the fourth pillar, emotional regulation. So we'll just go into that one next and then I'll share the other one. Um, um, so emotional regulation. Many of us were not actually taught the value or the practice of having emotional awareness. So when we can begin cultivating that regulation by observing feelings in the body, for example, can we begin to regulate? Okay, breath work using your breath. Okay, you don't have to sign up for a breath work class. You could simply do 10 long, deep breaths to regulate your emotions.

Speaker 1: 28:15

There's hot and cold therapy, awareness of your nervous system. Uh, causes, without the judgment. A lot of people that get into this work, um, and emotional regulation, are so ashamed or afraid, or hate these, um, the shame that we're holding onto, or the the fear that we're holding on to, but the thing is like, that's the human experience. So, you know, looking at the tension patterns without judgment, without fear, emotional regulation right, it's all about nervous system regulation it's all about, you know, spinal energetics is all about regulating the nervous system. That's what it is.

Speaker 1: 29:01

A lot of clients, especially their first few sessions with me, I will actually yawn quite a bit and that's actually a sign of a dysregulated nervous system. That's the clear that I have associated when working on my clients, and it's been true every time. Or I've had clients who I've been working with for a while they go through this life experience that was turmoil, and then they come back for a session and we have to get them regulated again. But then they have the tools and the resources, the remembrance within and how to let those pains or tension patterns go. Okay, so it gets easier. It gets easier as you go, um, so, anyways, that's how you can learn how to regulate your emotions.

Speaker 1: 29:45

Obviously, pets probably my favorite way. I've got two dogs, the best snuggle buddies ever. They're like oh, I fucking love that. So, yes, pets, yes, pets are awesome. I mean, there's so many ways to regulate your emotions, so just take some time. Hey, petu, ooh, bless me, excuse me. So take some time to reflect on what was just discussed here. What unresolved inner child wounds do you have?

Speaker 1: 30:20

Um, so the fourth pillar I want to talk about before ending this episode is joy. Um, this is really important to how you can reparent yourself. Okay, um, as kids, many of us weren't taught the value of joy and spontaneity, imagination, creativity, play, pure presence. A lot of us weren't taught how to really tap into this, and it doesn't surprise me when I see clients on my table begin to express suppressed joy and happiness and bliss, because that is part of the human experience, actually like, why we're here is to create deeper depths of these higher vibrations like joy and love and happiness. And so we were not taught the value of how to really feel that, really feel that and be present in our bodies, and we can do that through things like dancing, singing, doing things on the whim, creating a new hobby, music music is a big one.

Speaker 1: 31:44

Complimenting strangers on the street, connecting with your friends. When's the last time you truly felt joy? I had this conversation with someone the other day where they stopped and it was like the longest pause ever. They're like holy shit, like it's been years, years, like, like when is the last time you truly have felt joy? Okay, so important.

Speaker 1: 32:18

So what unresolved inner child wounds do you have? What evidence do you have to support that? What healing can you do to help that? Can you do to help that, whether that's breath work, spinal energetics, um, yoga, therapy, emdr, I mean, there's so many things you could do, but, if I recommend anything, do anything that involves the body up and not a head down approach, uh, so that you can the, the body can also heal what it has been patterned to do. Okay, so an exercise, some exercises you can do, um, to kind of finalize this, this uh topic here today and leave you with some tangible action steps.

Speaker 1: 33:05

Um, I want to give you three, three things that you can do. These have been things that have had a profound effect not only on my clients but myself as well, and I hope that they help you. They definitely will if you take time for this, but the first and foremost one is writing a letter to your inner child. The second one is to find a photo of yourself, maybe between the ages of like three and seven. And as you're looking at this photo and you can leave this photo at your desk as a screensaver on your phone, maybe on your mirror, someplace where you see it every day and I want you to ask yourself what would I like to tell my younger self and what does my younger self need to know or hear, but was never told? What does my younger self need to know or hear but was never told? And if I could go back in time and offer love and support, what would I say?

Speaker 1: 34:23

Journal on this, if you feel called to, or maybe speak it privately or out loud. As you look at this photo and do this, do this exercise until it feels like it clicks, until it feels like things begin to change or shift or you don't feel an attachment to the wound anymore. Okay, um, this is kind of this. One kind of ties into the first one, but you can also journal out by starting with dear little wounded, amanda, dear little wounded, insert your name dear little wounded, jessica, amy, john, whatever your name is. Speak to her or him. Begin that letter with dear little wounded and see where that takes you. Write a letter to that little inner child and you know what. You know what. I let me see if I can do this. You know what I'm going to do this. I was debating if I should, but it came through for you, for me to share with you all today. But I have a healing audio. That's an inner child healing and I will link that below so you have a meditation that you can do as well. That's the third exercise that I want you to take with you If you feel called to do it. It's super powerful.

Speaker 1: 36:01

First time I did inner child work, I did cry like a baby, but that's okay. That's what my little girl needed. She needed to express sadness. It's a beautiful journey. It's not a one-time thing. If you think about you know how long your childhood was. There's probably layers there. So be patient as you do this but, more importantly, give yourself that love and grace and compassion as you work through this. Hold that picture of you younger, near and close as you navigate this, and so much love to you and I love you so much. Have a beautiful day. Thank you so much for listening to this podcast episode. Really quick.

Speaker 1: 36:45

I wanted to share a couple new offerings. If you haven't heard yet, we have a couples spinal energetic session now available, where you can bring your friend, your spouse, to experience spinal energetics together and create a deeper bond with each other through personalized attention. That's going to help foster harmony and deeply strengthen your relationship. I know, with my husband, since doing healing work together, we have never been stronger and 14 years strong, and we are feeling like we're just getting started, um, and it has been the best thing we have ever done. The other offer I'm offering now is online group spinal energetics with breath work.

Speaker 1: 37:27

Now, if you have a session, uh, that you want to do, but you want to have your team there, your clients there, your friends or your family, this is the offer for you. Maximum of six people. However, if you have more people than that, just let me know and I will curate a better offer. That's custom to whatever it is that you're looking for. So, when we have a group of people coming together, it creates a lot of energy. If you've ever done a group healing session, you'll know what I mean and it makes for an incredibly powerful healing experience. So I'm going to be there to orchestrate the energy of the room and provide a unique experience for the collective that's going to create a deeper and stronger bond with one another. So both of those options are going to be below to book one of these sessions, or if you just want to come back or book your first session with me for spinal energetics coaching, breath work. Those offers will be listed below as well. Thank you so much for listening again and we'll see you on the next one.